Vulnerable

Sharing the story of our loss is easy. Well, not easy but it is becoming easier. It's just a story. It happened in another life to someone else. I am not the girl I once was but a woman who has suffered grief few can comprehend.  

Sharing my heart is something else entirely. It is frightening to make myself so vulnerable. I am an emotional person, but very few people have access to my innermost thoughts and feelings. So, from here on out I ask for mercy.  

I have tried to write about our experiences as we progress on our journey, but it ends up falling flat. The facts are there but emotion is missing. The problem is that I am not sure I can adequately express how I feel at any one particular moment.  

Over the last several weeks there has been a myriad of emotions. I have felt happy, angry, thankful, frustrated; the list is endless. It is overwhelming. 

How do I describe the home study visit without expressing my feelings of resentment? People the world over have babies without needing to be assessed. Thankfully, our social worker made it a pleasant, informative conversation with a friend.  

How do I describe the excitement of being approved to adopt without expressing my feelings of loss? Adoption requires facing the likelihood of not having a biological child. Carrying a baby in your heart is not visible on the outside. Without the physical aspect, expecting a child is surreal.

How do I adequately describe the feeling that reigns over all the others: Hope? For the first time in a long time things feel right. We are no longer playing God by forcing my body to function in a way it normally would not. We are trusting God, His plan, and His timing. I wake up each day with hope in my heart and move forward with certainty that our baby is coming home.